Thursday, November 12, 2009

Lesson Learned


The other day, October 9th to be exact, I changed my relationship status to single on Facebook. I did not expect the flood of questions that came along with that. So, this is my attempt to answer those questions, share an honest story of disobedience, and explain an amazing lesson learned through trust and repentance.

As most of you know, I was married in August of 2008. What most of you do not know is the disobedience I had towards God and what lengths I went to to ignore His commands. To save time and typing, I was given the impression through lots of prayer and scripture reading that I was not to marry the girl I was dating. However, I wanted to be Jesus to a broken girl and despite the physical and verbal abuse that took place from and to both of us, I pushed forward. Many friends told me not to marry this individual, but I did. Her relationship with Jesus was not authentic, as far as scripture says, and I felt she pursued God through me, but I am a sinner and I soon showed to be imperfect and a sinner.

After some clear and extreme signs to not marry her came about, we married in August 08'. I loved like Christ loved the Church, I was willing to die for her. However, due to an abusive upbringing and lack of trust in men, I was soon pushed away and she chose other things over me. In February of 2009, I gave an ultimatum that would force her to choose me, or these "other things." She chose the other things. I humbly moved out and into a dining room where a kitchen table should be. 3 close brothers took me in and nurtured me, but I was not used to such love.

This break led to the most intense study of the atonement of Christ and what He did on the cross for me. I was broken and camped daily and nightly at the foot of the cross...but I was still blaming her and had a lot of anger and bitterness, so I kept studying!!!

God kept breaking me, over and over and over. I spent many days in tears, literally balling my eyes out and loudly weeping in confusion. I was more upset that God allowed it, not at her disobedience and unfaithfulness. Only the closest most trusted people in my life new. I somehow shoved it down while at school all day and still attained straight A's. Slowly over time, my roommates, some other close friends, my pastor, and my parents brought me to a place of unconditional love. I was loved!!!

I always judged those men in ministry who got divorced, "Did they not understand the sanctity of marriage?" A few months later I was served divorce papers and watched my wife return to the lifestyle of her past. I fought for this marriage, like no other. But we have a sovereign God who knows all, and while some might disagree, this was His will for me. It was a lesson and discipline of my disobedience. The blame must not be put on her for this, but on me alone!

If it was not for this all taking place, the cross would not be as glorious as it is to me, I would not have the lenses I have now for a equally "gospel-lensed" woman, and I would not know the extreme call of obedience to holiness God requires of us!!! I was transformed!!!

So what now??? I am a man who loves Jesus like no other. I am finishing my last year of my undergraduate degree, preparing to move to Dallas for seminary, and have my eyes fixed on a gospel-lensed woman!!!

I am healed!!! I am loved!!! I am a vessel of honorable use when I was heading towards a path of being of dishonorable use. Thanks for all the questions and concern...this is me now!!!