Even thinking of this title makes me want to cry. To say this has been a long journey is
quite an understatement. The rollercoaster
that our little family has been on in the last year and a half is nothing other
than the sovereignty of God and proof that He does answer prayers…all in His
timing and definitely not ours!
As most of you know, Wes and I were married in October
2010. About a year later, we
decided it was time to start a family.
No sooner after making that decision, we were pregnant in December
2011. With much joy, we shared the
news with a couple of close friends while thinking of a clever way to surprise our
families with the news at Christmas.
A week after the positive test, we suffered something that I can honestly
say is the most suffering I've ever experience in my life. What we thought would be a new and
beautiful life, God took away from us.
On December 19, 2011 we had a miscarriage. I was at work and I can only remember crying as my boss hugged
me and cried with me. I called Wes
and then immediately drove home in a fog where he then took me in his arms and
cried with me. I kept telling
myself that God is good and He did this because the pregnancy was not healthy. The next few weeks my only response to
people was, "I'm just sad."
Weeks turned into months, which then turned into many doctor
appointments. My body had not gone
back to its normal "female functioning" and my oBGYN sent me to a
specialist. The specialist confirmed
that I had PCoS (Polycystic ovary Syndrome). There are of course many different levels of this condition,
but it basically makes it difficult and for some, impossible, to get
pregnant. With my hope still in
the doctor's wisdom, she put me on a medication that she said would cure my condition.
So, my hope for the next 6 months was in this medication. I took it everyday, at the exact time I
was supposed to, I ate healthy, I exercised and kept waiting for it to work. The medicine made me so sick, I lost
weight, never felt well and after being so sick from it on our 2-year
anniversary vacation, I threw the pills away. I spent all my time waiting for it to kick in and watched so
many other women around me get pregnant.
Being so consumed in myself, my heart began to grow bitter. Bitterness led to anger, which led to
just not caring about anyone's happiness but my own. The only happiness I thought I needed was a precious little
baby to call my own.
Again, months went by with no medicine, no change in my
"feminine functioning", and stale bitterness in my heart for anyone
else that was getting pregnant other than me. I shared how "sad" my heart was for this longing
and I got so sick of hearing it myself that I just stopped talking to people about
it. Finally, one night after
church, Wes and I had gotten in a huge fight about it and how badly I had been
treating others. I can't exactly
remember the context of it, but I remember it ended up with me on the bathroom
floor, cradled in his arms like a child and crying that I did not love God and
that my heart was so angry. It was
a long, emotional night, but that was definitely that first time that God brought
me to my knees with me asking that He would forgive me.
I know He started to change my heart after that and I was even
able to share about it at a Ladies Night for our church on how much He had been
changing my heart. However, there
was so much more, deep inside that He hadn't revealed to me yet. A year had passed since the miscarriage
and it was now 2013. Early in
January, I found out that one of my best friends who I love so much, I found out
was pregnant with baby #2. I got
the phone call and I know that was one of the hardest phone calls she's ever
had to make because she knew all of the junk Wes and I had been through. I was of course happy, but still so sad
that it was someone else instead of me.
This is the point that is my favorite, not because it was
fun, but because this was the second time God brought me to my knees and showed
me my unbelief in His promises.
After crying for 2 days straight (Gosh, I sound like an emotional
cry-baby and if you know me, you know that that is definitely not me), I laid on
my bed, opened up to our church reading plan for the day and it took me to
Psalm 4. All I had to do was read
the first verse and I was done.
Psalm 4:1 "Answer me when I call, o God of my righteousness! You have given me relief when I was in
distress. Be gracious to me and
hear my prayer!" I read that
and cried out loud to God, "Ya right! These promises aren't for me." I really believed that God was not
giving me relief when I was in distress and that He was not answering my
prayers because He just didn't want to hear this one. Needless to say, after coming to that realization, confessing
it to Him and having a long talk with Wes, God changed my heart so much.
I can't say to this day that I am 100% trustworthy in God
and all of His timing or that I perfectly understand my wicked, unbelieving
heart, but I do know that He is daily changing my heart and it is a long
beautiful process. And as most of
you know, we are expecting our very first Baby Van Fleet. I don't believe that God gave us a baby
because it's exactly what I wanted or even because he finally showed me where
my heart was unbelieving. I do
believe that he allowed this miracle to happen though in His timing because
that was His plan. What I truly
needed was not a baby, but to see that the nearness of God was my deepest
need. The extent He went to allow
me to be near to Him was graciously giving His only son for my unbelief. Praise be to God for not just meeting our
desires here on this earth, but showing that He, himself was the satisfaction
that I needed.
Lastly, happy to announce that God will be bringing Baby
GIRL Van Fleet into our lives this October.
