Man!! It was about 2 years ago now that I was called to be a pastor. Not for one second do I doubt the calling but boy do I doubt myself. I know God uses us the way he wants and I believe that my pride has got in the way of that. I was watching a podcast tonight with 3 of my favorite pastors: Mark Driscoll, John Piper, and Matt Chandler. I really try to learn from these guys because I see something in all of them that I see in me, rough edges.
I am feeling so convicted right now about my disgusting lack of obedience since my calling. Sure, I was obedient and quit my high paying job to go to school to be a pastor, but I think I thought that was enough! However, I have failed in almost all characteristics a Christ follower should have: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Nope, I am far from all of those. I have rode my calling like a wave and forgot to discipline and shape myself in not only Christ's image, but who he wants me to be.
Truth: I am completely terrified! I am terrified that I will preach a gospel that is not worthy of preaching. I am terrified that I will continue to measure myself to others and not rely on a Almighty God who will do with me what He wants. I know hardly anything about the Bible and that terrifies me. I love the Bible more than any other book, music, movie, but I am scared I will not understand it well enough to preach it. I am terrified that I will not be a good husband, father, son, friend, pastor. I want to have a heart that loves but it seems to be miles away from the confines of my chest. I treat my fiance bad, I treat my friends bad, I am terrified.
Maybe this is the Spirit stirring my bones and breaking me to the point where I have to change. I hope so! I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us (Rom. 8:18). I apologize to everyone I have treated wrong, please forgive me. I AM TERRIFIED!!
4 comments:
Oh Wesley. This "terror" isn't from the Lord, you know that. Doubt isn't from the Lord either. Have you read "Screwtape Letters" by CS Lewis? Yep, you'll see how Satan plans his attacks (not saying you're under attack). But hey, keep living in the Light. Keep the focus OFF of YOURSELF and on Jesus at all times. Keep gazing into His eyes...keep gazing bro. Let the whisper of your Calling become a roar; the Lord will direct your path, i'm sure of it and have faith in you brother.
Love you man!
-jab
Thanks bro! I am familiar w/ screwtape letters. I do feel it is a bit of that and a bit of God disciplining me! Thanks Jeffrey
Hey Wes!
I know I'm not in your situation, because I'm not going to be a pastor, but I just wanted to give you some encouragement and let you know that I admire your honesty. I think all of us feel at times like we are never going to be good enough. I still struggle with hoping that I am being a good wife, it might be down to the little things like "did I cook a good dinner?" or "Why can I never get all of the laundry done?" hehe. I know that's not as extreme but anyhow, just stay focused. The more we stare at the world, the more insecure we become. We are praying for ya.... and I know God will use you in a big way! Congrats again to you and Britt!!
Wesley,
If ever I doubted how men and women were supposed to be godly friends, being your sister has erased all of that. You are such a pivotal part of Josh’s and my life. We are strengthened and comforted every time we make a trip to see you.
The day you left was such a hard reality to grasp, but I had faith that you would always be close to us. Your strength and honor will always be something I admire.
I thank you so much for the encouragement you have always given me. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the center of God's will and sometimes I feel a little lost, but your words and actions have always helped me find my focus. You and Britt are the perfect match for us, lol. The two of you mean more to me than I could ever say. You are my brother in every way, except through the one that doesn't really count in this life. As long as we are alive I know we will be friends. I love you Wesley!
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